I know I am so blessed but sometimes life can be hard. I know of so many other people who have it way harder than me but it's still hard, at least to me. Sometimes I just get a bunch of "why" questions running through my head. I'm so grateful I have Talmage. He cheers me up and lightens my moods. I love him and Jacob. They are such blessings in my life.
But, I still ache for another baby. I find myself still counting the weeks that I would've been pregnant. I'd be showing and in the second trimester. I know I shouldn't think of these things but it's hard not too.
It's so hard for me. It took us 12 months to get pregnant and now I have to start all over again. And my "why" questions start...
Why can't I just be normal?
Why can't I be fertile?
Why can a teenager get pregnant their first time but it takes me a year?
Why did I lose my baby?
Why is everyone pregnant but me?
Etc...
I guess General Conference is coming at the perfect for me!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I can't find my camera!
I have been slacking lately on my posts. Sorry! I lost my camera...again. Last time, I just lost the charger but now I've managed to lose the whole camera!
We went to Disneyland in February and had a BLAST! Last time I went to Disneyland, I was pregnant with Talmage so it was very exciting to be able to ride the rides and not be soooo tired! Talmage had so much fun! He rode on most of the rides except the roller coasters which were only a few. Once I hopefully find my camera, I'll post pictures..real live ones...soon!
I am enjoying my spring break this week!! I have no school and no piano. I'm free to just be a mom and housewife. Yesterday, Talmage and I went to the park...twice! Once during the day and once when daddy got home. I also started working out this week. I thought it was the best time to start since I have no excuses. Hopefully I can keep up with it.
I am doing really well since the miscarriage. Everything went very smooth. Now we are just waiting on the day when we can say we're pregnant again. It's definately hard waiting. I'm usually a patient person but when it comes to trying to get pregnant...I'm not! I get sooo excited and anxious. Wish us luck! Afterall, today is St. Patricks Day!!
We went to Disneyland in February and had a BLAST! Last time I went to Disneyland, I was pregnant with Talmage so it was very exciting to be able to ride the rides and not be soooo tired! Talmage had so much fun! He rode on most of the rides except the roller coasters which were only a few. Once I hopefully find my camera, I'll post pictures..real live ones...soon!
I am enjoying my spring break this week!! I have no school and no piano. I'm free to just be a mom and housewife. Yesterday, Talmage and I went to the park...twice! Once during the day and once when daddy got home. I also started working out this week. I thought it was the best time to start since I have no excuses. Hopefully I can keep up with it.
I am doing really well since the miscarriage. Everything went very smooth. Now we are just waiting on the day when we can say we're pregnant again. It's definately hard waiting. I'm usually a patient person but when it comes to trying to get pregnant...I'm not! I get sooo excited and anxious. Wish us luck! Afterall, today is St. Patricks Day!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Happy 3 yr Anniversary!
March 10, 2007 my life began. I love being married to my best friend...forever! We've had the best and most wonderful 3 years. I am so lucky to be married to such a kind, loving, sensitive and thoughtful husband. He is the best daddy ever! Last night he came home from work with a dozen red roses, a card and chocolates. Then he set up a babysitter (my mom) for us today to go do sealings. I'm so lucky! I love you hubby!!!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Thoughts...
Thank you everyone for the prayers, thoughts and comments for our family. I thought I would just share a few thoughts I've been having yesterday and today.
This past week I bled for 5 days or more like spotted. It was pretty light so I wasn't too worried. The doctor acted like it was fine and so did everyone else I talked with. Then the spotting went away and I felt relieved, but deep down I wondered if something was wrong. I thought that maybe it was a threatened miscarriage or that I was just doing too much and needed to slow down. I made my first OB appoinntment last Wednesday, hoping everything was going to be ok. The doctor acted concerned when I told her about the bright red blood. She ordered a blood test that day and an ultrasound two days later. Those two days before my ultrasound was torture. I was so worried and couldn't sleep. I didn't want anything to be wrong with my baby. Well, the morning of my ultrasound, I tried to act excited, thinking that maybe everything was fine and that I would get to hear our baby's heartbeat and see the tiny sac. But, there was nothing there. Nothing at all. I knew right then that I had lost my baby. The tech tried to say maybe my dates were wrong and that's why we couldn't see it but I knew. I waited for a long time in the room, waiting to hear the final results from the doctor. I couldn't help but cry and cry. I just knew my baby was gone. When she finally came in, she told me I had miscarried and tried to console me. She told me I needed to take time to grieve because I did have a baby and now it's gone.
Since then, my emotions have been all over the place. I actually thought that a miscarriage wasn't going to be hard for me or that I would be "strong." But it is hard. It’s hard to say good-bye when you never had the chance to say hello.
I have found a lot of peace and hope though from the scriptures and others' experiences. One scripture that gave me hope was Moroni 7:27-28. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to claim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men? For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens."
Although I am still in the healing process, the promise in that scripture has become more deeply engraved in my heart. I believe that miracles have not ceased. I also believe that Christ does advocate my cause before the Father. I know that we will have another child, in His time. That promise makes today's pain bearable.
I've also felt comfort in the Savior's words in John 14:18,27. “I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope."
--James E. Faust, "Hope, an Anchor of the Soul", Ensign, Nov 1999, 59
I've learned a lot from this experience. I know it happened for a reason. I am already drawing nearer to the Lord than I would have if this had not happened. I have felt the Spirit so strong in these last two days than I have in a long long time. I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement. I would probably be angry if it weren't for the gospel.
There will be painful days ahead. I will still ache for this little unborn child. But Talmage gives me great comfort. Promises were kept, and he made it into our family. I know that other spirits are waiting to enter our family, just not now.
This past week I bled for 5 days or more like spotted. It was pretty light so I wasn't too worried. The doctor acted like it was fine and so did everyone else I talked with. Then the spotting went away and I felt relieved, but deep down I wondered if something was wrong. I thought that maybe it was a threatened miscarriage or that I was just doing too much and needed to slow down. I made my first OB appoinntment last Wednesday, hoping everything was going to be ok. The doctor acted concerned when I told her about the bright red blood. She ordered a blood test that day and an ultrasound two days later. Those two days before my ultrasound was torture. I was so worried and couldn't sleep. I didn't want anything to be wrong with my baby. Well, the morning of my ultrasound, I tried to act excited, thinking that maybe everything was fine and that I would get to hear our baby's heartbeat and see the tiny sac. But, there was nothing there. Nothing at all. I knew right then that I had lost my baby. The tech tried to say maybe my dates were wrong and that's why we couldn't see it but I knew. I waited for a long time in the room, waiting to hear the final results from the doctor. I couldn't help but cry and cry. I just knew my baby was gone. When she finally came in, she told me I had miscarried and tried to console me. She told me I needed to take time to grieve because I did have a baby and now it's gone.
Since then, my emotions have been all over the place. I actually thought that a miscarriage wasn't going to be hard for me or that I would be "strong." But it is hard. It’s hard to say good-bye when you never had the chance to say hello.
I have found a lot of peace and hope though from the scriptures and others' experiences. One scripture that gave me hope was Moroni 7:27-28. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to claim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men? For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens."
Although I am still in the healing process, the promise in that scripture has become more deeply engraved in my heart. I believe that miracles have not ceased. I also believe that Christ does advocate my cause before the Father. I know that we will have another child, in His time. That promise makes today's pain bearable.
I've also felt comfort in the Savior's words in John 14:18,27. “I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope."
--James E. Faust, "Hope, an Anchor of the Soul", Ensign, Nov 1999, 59
I've learned a lot from this experience. I know it happened for a reason. I am already drawing nearer to the Lord than I would have if this had not happened. I have felt the Spirit so strong in these last two days than I have in a long long time. I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement. I would probably be angry if it weren't for the gospel.
There will be painful days ahead. I will still ache for this little unborn child. But Talmage gives me great comfort. Promises were kept, and he made it into our family. I know that other spirits are waiting to enter our family, just not now.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hard Day
Today we just found out that I had a miscarriage. It's hard but I'm doing ok. It's just an emotional rollercoaster. I had an ultrasound and blood test today that confirmed the miscarriage.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
It's time for an update...
I've been putting off posting because I have no pictuurs. We lost our camera charging in the move and just barely bought a new one. We all had a great Christmas! It was so fun this year with Talmage. He loved all his toys!! He is on the go constantly, walking everywhere. It's so cute! I love him walking. It's so fun being his mommy! I can't wait for him to have a sibling to be able to play with.
Our house is coming along great. We are slowly adding pictures and decorations to our house. I just love our home! It's beautiful! Spring semester is only 1 week away! I'm not looking forward to it.
Overall, we are doing great! We love our family and being together. And we're looking forward to growing our family.
Our house is coming along great. We are slowly adding pictures and decorations to our house. I just love our home! It's beautiful! Spring semester is only 1 week away! I'm not looking forward to it.
Overall, we are doing great! We love our family and being together. And we're looking forward to growing our family.
Friday, December 18, 2009
It's almost Christmas!!
I can't believe Christmas is 1 week from today! This season has gone by so fast. We've managed to wrap most of the gifts for each other but need to get started on Talamge's gifts. I'm so excited for Christmas this year. I have a few surprises (hopefully) for Jacob and I can't wait to see his reaction. I just hope I've kept them a secret well enough. It is so fun being in our first home this year for Christmas. This is the first time we've put Christmas lights up! It was such a fun experience. We have our tree up by our window so it can be seen from the street. Our house looks so pretty now with all the Christmas decorations!
This past month has been a little bit of s struggle for me. I just finished school, thankfully, and have been getting all kinds of tests done at the doctor. Fortunately, I am doing just fine! That's yet another blessing. It seems like everytime we go through hard times and trials, we get even more blessings. I have a piano recital tomorrow for my students and then after that, I can finally relax and enjoy the week of Christmas.
Merry Christmas to everyone! I love this season and all the wonderful blessings we have!
This past month has been a little bit of s struggle for me. I just finished school, thankfully, and have been getting all kinds of tests done at the doctor. Fortunately, I am doing just fine! That's yet another blessing. It seems like everytime we go through hard times and trials, we get even more blessings. I have a piano recital tomorrow for my students and then after that, I can finally relax and enjoy the week of Christmas.
Merry Christmas to everyone! I love this season and all the wonderful blessings we have!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Talmage Jacob Lewis is w.a.l.k.i.n.g.!!!!!!!!!!
Yes you are reading the title correctly, Talmage is walking! Last night, I was sitting on the floor with him and he stood up, as usual (he LOVES to stand) and then he took two steps, stopped and took two more steps. His record for last night was 11 steps in a row! Daddy was on his way home from work and quickly rushed in to see his son walk. It was so exciting!!! I love being a mom! He's still crawling but taking steps in between.
Finally, just when we thought he'd never do it...he surprised us and started walking on December 14, 2009 at 15 1/2 months. Way to go Talmagey!
Finally, just when we thought he'd never do it...he surprised us and started walking on December 14, 2009 at 15 1/2 months. Way to go Talmagey!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
The Semester is Over & Updated Pictures
The semester is officially over for me!!! I am so excited! I just finished my last assignments today and it feels sooooo good! I feel like I can finally be a mom. It's hard juggling full-time school with the role of a mother. Every free moment I had, I was ALWAYS on the computer trying to get homework done. So today, Talmage only took 1 nap today and it was for 1 hour (he usually takes 1 really long nap or 2 medium ones). But, I was is now hurry to rush the nap on him. We had lots of fun listening to Christmas music, dancing, playing ball, walking, folding laundry (His favorite! He loves to sort the clothes.). It felt so good to just let go, have fun and not feel like I should be getting something else done. I can't wait to be done with school completely.
These pictures are from the park in our neighborhood. It is the coolest park I have ever been to. And Talmage loved playing there! They even have a piano-like instrument.
These pictures are from the visitor center and play place at the San Tan Mall.
These pictures are from the park in our neighborhood. It is the coolest park I have ever been to. And Talmage loved playing there! They even have a piano-like instrument.
These pictures are from the visitor center and play place at the San Tan Mall.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
We are home!
We moved in last Thursday night! It has been so fun! We love our brand new home. We just got the internet up and running last night so that's why I haven't posted. I have some cute pictures of Talmage playing at the park but I don't feel like uploading them yet. Just wanted to let everyone know that we are all moved in and loving it!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
We got the keys!
Last night we got our keys to our first (brand-new) home! Yippee! It was so exciting! Fulton homes did a wonderful job! We can't wait to move in! My dad and brother's remodeling company is putting in our tile so we will move in on Thursday afternoon/evening. It's going to be beautiful!! We can't wait to finally be HOME!
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