Thoughts...

Thank you everyone for the prayers, thoughts and comments for our family. I thought I would just share a few thoughts I've been having yesterday and today.

This past week I bled for 5 days or more like spotted. It was pretty light so I wasn't too worried. The doctor acted like it was fine and so did everyone else I talked with. Then the spotting went away and I felt relieved, but deep down I wondered if something was wrong. I thought that maybe it was a threatened miscarriage or that I was just doing too much and needed to slow down. I made my first OB appoinntment last Wednesday, hoping everything was going to be ok. The doctor acted concerned when I told her about the bright red blood. She ordered a blood test that day and an ultrasound two days later. Those two days before my ultrasound was torture. I was so worried and couldn't sleep. I didn't want anything to be wrong with my baby. Well, the morning of my ultrasound, I tried to act excited, thinking that maybe everything was fine and that I would get to hear our baby's heartbeat and see the tiny sac. But, there was nothing there. Nothing at all. I knew right then that I had lost my baby. The tech tried to say maybe my dates were wrong and that's why we couldn't see it but I knew. I waited for a long time in the room, waiting to hear the final results from the doctor. I couldn't help but cry and cry. I just knew my baby was gone. When she finally came in, she told me I had miscarried and tried to console me. She told me I needed to take time to grieve because I did have a baby and now it's gone.

Since then, my emotions have been all over the place. I actually thought that a miscarriage wasn't going to be hard for me or that I would be "strong." But it is hard. It’s hard to say good-bye when you never had the chance to say hello.

I have found a lot of peace and hope though from the scriptures and others' experiences. One scripture that gave me hope was Moroni 7:27-28. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to claim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men? For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens."

Although I am still in the healing process, the promise in that scripture has become more deeply engraved in my heart. I believe that miracles have not ceased. I also believe that Christ does advocate my cause before the Father. I know that we will have another child, in His time. That promise makes today's pain bearable.

I've also felt comfort in the Savior's words in John 14:18,27. “I will not leave you comfortless. … Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope."
--James E. Faust, "Hope, an Anchor of the Soul", Ensign, Nov 1999, 59

I've learned a lot from this experience. I know it happened for a reason. I am already drawing nearer to the Lord than I would have if this had not happened. I have felt the Spirit so strong in these last two days than I have in a long long time. I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement. I would probably be angry if it weren't for the gospel.

There will be painful days ahead. I will still ache for this little unborn child. But Talmage gives me great comfort. Promises were kept, and he made it into our family. I know that other spirits are waiting to enter our family, just not now.